In a World Without You
by atenademon00
Summary: I used to toil myself.To create sceneries that everything was perfect between us.That nothing was wrong in our relationship but it meant only lying the both of us.I knew that he was suffering.I knew that in any moment he would be gone from my life.


I'm just a spectator of my life. I lay here, on the edge of it and I watch how my life passes by. Time doesn't have anymore a value for me, not even a measure. I stare at the watch and I feel how the passing seconds amuse me. I only take care of confusing the others when it's about my feelings.

Then, when I get tired of switching the masks, I retreat in my world filled with memories, and I live until no end the illusion of a long lost love.

I waited for him to return for a period. Then I fought so I would go on. I believed with all my heart in my power to heal, to cure myself, to regenerate myself… I even believed in the success of the passing time and oblivion.

I tried everything. I must admit that in exchange I evolved… from that excruciating and agonizing pain to the permanent and chronicle one which I got used to and with which I live in a perfect harmony. I don't even try to treat it, I know already that it doesn't have a cure.

I'm not even wondering myself. I wait for nothing. I don't have even a doubt. I calmed myself. I know. I loved him and I still do.

Before, I used to toil myself. To create sceneries that everything was perfect between us. That nothing was wrong in our relationship but it meant only lying the both of us. I knew that he was suffering, even if he smiled in his usual bright way, I knew the truth. He was faking it so he wouldn't worry me but I knew already. I knew that in any moment he would be gone from my life.

I was scared, nothing in this world could prevent me from the disaster which would come in any second, in the most unexpected moment. My life just stopped from its course. Nothing remained, only my pain. And every time the feeling of despair would take control of me when I would think that I would never have him close to me again. That I will never be able to rest my head on his chest, lo listen to his heart which was beating because of the love which he was carrying for me, that I will never feel his scent which would sent me on cloud nine… that I will never trace my fingers over his wonderful lips…

And then, I throw myself in a corner far away from his sight, and I cry, and I yell his name and I beg him in my mind to stay with me just for a little longer, not to leave me alone in this world which would be only empty without him.

But I calm myself, because he calls for me and I the only thing I can do is to go where he is, to stay by his side in his last moments of life. He would see my worried and the only thing I would do is to jump at his neck and start to cry there again. He would just smile weakly and pat me on my back saying that everything would be alright, that he would never leave me. But I knew that this wasn't true, I knew that I would never be able to live again my happy life before his sickness taking over him.

It always ended with me falling asleep next to him, clenching his hand tightly at my chest. Just hearing his soft voice saying words filled with love and passion would make me smile, no not that, just feeling him close to me -no, I'm wrong again- just knowing that he is alive and that he exists would make me smile.

Before I knew it, our last moments spent together came to an end and he left this world. My life stopped right then, the rest was meaningless and useless, my head would only spin around the idea that he wasn't there with me anymore. I tried so many times to understand why did he have to die? Why did someone as pure, as perfect, as intangible like him have to die? Why?

Why would God want him? He was still young and had many more years ahead of him, why did God want him that soon? Couldn't He understand that taking my love beside him meant that he would take my soul too? Half of my heart, of my soul, of ME was tied to that young man who died that early. No… I'm wrong again, my whole existence was tied to that man!

The only thing I could after suffering the loss was to run. To run and to hide from this world which seemed darker and dreadful by any minute which was passing. I built walls around me… around me and my love. I built them so people would never take the love away from me, which was the last thing that Naruto left me after he died. I would guard that love with the price of my life, I would never let it go, never let it disappear. It was the light in that world of chaos from around me. And I tended to never let it go out.

I just hope he knew that I lived only for him and that I always thanked God that He allowed me to meet him and to enjoy being with him in that wonderful period which lasted so many years but which hasn't been long enough.

I walk and walk towards the edge of the world which is in front of me. I arrived finally there. I know this place, it's the same spot when my life started to have a meaning, the same spot where I met him. It is the spot from where my world begins and from where it ends.

I walk blindly, guided only by the heart which yells to my legs to walk faster towards the special place. I look around and I see only trees, they are in full blossom meaning that it was summer. I smile weakly, it was summer like from my memory from the past. I continue my small walk until I reach the edge of the cliff. As I arrive there, a powerful wind strikes my face contortioned with pain, regret and suffering, the wind spread the tears which were already pouring down. I never held them back, it was impossible and I was never able to guess when I would start to cry. Everyday was filled sadness and sorrow so it became a habit, a way of living to shed tears.

As I look in front of me I see the cloudless blue sky separated from the ocean by an invisible line called horizon. I 'm not able to look at it too closely because it reminds me of my lover's eyes. They were so innocent, so wonderful, filled with so many emotions, but the one which I would never forget was… love. His love for me.

Letting out a deep sigh, I leave myself to the memories from my past which are coming again. Our moments spent together seemed like infinity, with no end. And they were so wonderful that I locked them forever in my heart where they would belong. They were sublime, like wings which would allow me to rise up towards the greatness of the blue sky, towards the blue of his eyes. I was like a bird, trying to find a clean place where to stay, the place where heaven would be, and that was the place close to Naruto.

In the same spot where I am now, we met, we exchanged looks and we fell in love. It was love at first sight. It was that kind of love described in those books. The same shudders which would trace the body continuously, the same fast beating of the heart and the same emotions. Every time we were seeing each other, our hearts would pounder so hard, we would barely find our words and we would barely concentrate. I always felt his scent, his presence was my only joy and it always burnt my soul with passion, longing and… love.

There had been argues, jealousies with or without a real motive. But somehow we wanted this 'small' contradictory talks because by serious these were, the make up was sweeter. Everything was real, it was reality of the fact that two souls could find their match even if they thought that everything was lost for them.

In the same place, we kissed for the first time. Our lips caught in a kiss which I wished that would last forever. Our hands pulling the other closer, embracing the desire of not wanting to lose. Our bodies being suffused together. It was the sweetest memory.

Two hearts which were looking for their match had found each other on this very spot.

The desire to love, to have one another, to feel and to taste ourselves was that big that everything got lost into a crazy world of love with no barriers or obstacles.

I wanted him like I never wanted anybody. I wanted him until exhaustion. I was selfish because I didn't want to share him with someone else, I just wanted him to be mine. Forever and ever.

Another round of tears covers my cheeks as I remember that I'm still here, on the edge of this cliff, without him, for the first time of my life. It is just unbearable but I have to regain my composure I still have things to do. Promises to fulfill.

I sigh and rose the small urn which was in my hands, in front of me. This was his wish. To have his ashes thrown over this ocean. The blue ocean which had witnessed our vows. It's blue as the sky which guards our love.

"You remember, don't you Naruto?" I cry out and stare at the image in front of me gripping the urn tighter. "The ocean was here when we swore eternal love to each other. Do you remember?" I smile and chuckle a little. "We were so shy, so red and we even stuttered! Can you believe it? We stuttered until we finally yelled in the same time to each other our declaration of love."The sky was above us when we made love for the first time. Do you remember? Because I certainly do." I say these things out loud wishing that he would hear me. "These are my precious memories, you already know that, right?"

Gulping and brushing the strand of tears from my eyes with the back of my hand I open the urn and I make another step towards the cliff. The wind started to blow nicely now, it seems like a soft touch and I feel a little rejuvenated. Everything around me reminds me of him and I feel that somehow he's here with me now.

I stretch my hands in front of me along with the urn and slowly I lean it little by little letting the content fall. I watch how the ashes fall and how the wind takes them in the air surrounding me, reminding me of my past happiness.

After the whole content fell I let my hands fall beside my body and I watch how the ashes are flowing around me. I raise my head and stare blankly. Everything becomes blue for me now. Me, him, the blue of our souls, of our hearts, and… of our existence.

I think blue, I breathe blue, I love blue, and I live in a blue life.

"I love you!" I yell. The ocean becomes bluer, the sky comes down at my feet and the echo sends back the already said words, but they seem spoken by my lover, they are blue words.

"I love you!" I yell again. The time stops, the mountains lean over, the waters… the blue waters stop their courses. And for the first time since his disappearance, I smile.

I smile as I see his face in front of me. He is smiling and he is stretching his hand towards me. I stretch my hand too, my heart already being filled with excitement that I could explode in any moment. He's there, waiting for me and I know that this was a beginning of new world with him still part of it.

"I love you, Sasuke!" could this be the song of an angel which I hear?


End file.
